where did my joy run off too?

     I wrote this down one night while laying in bed in the old house, I was to tired to get up and actually type.  Would have been June 15th ish.
     I have been thnking alot about me, my kids, my husband and our lives.  How things are and why they are the way they are.  Yes people will grow and develope their own personalities and attitudes but I think alot of that has to do do with what goes on around them..
     Kids are like little sponges, they seem to see and hear everything even when you don't want them to.  Are my boys lipping off, being rude and yelling at each other because they are seeing Brian or I or others around them doing it?  They have to learn it from somewhere right?  Or are they just being kids that need to be taught what is acceptable?

      I know I am not always happy but a few things have happened in the last little while that have made me wonder, When and where did I loose my joy??  As a teenager and young adult I was the life of the party.  I was always smiling, always telling jokes and always cheering peple up.  I was outgoing and didn't think twice about making everyone feel welcome.  People came to me for elp and advise and I loved it.  I was truely joyful all the time!!

     I can't always tell when Brian is serious and when he is kidding around but he actually asked me the other day, "do you ever smile anymore?"  That really made me sad, what do I say to that?  It really made me think about when the last time I was truly happy or excited about something?  When was the last time I could just sit and be content about the way things are.
   
 I know things have been different in the past few months.  Brian hurt his back and has been home for a few months.  We had to cancel a trip we had been planning.  We bought a new house and sold ours and are now finishing packing se we can move this weekend.  I know I have been a bit bitter because I have had to do most of the work getting ready for all of those things so if this lack of joy had just been the last few months I would understand but it has been longer than that.  It has been a long time!!
     A friend of mine has 2 kids that are the same age as my older 2 (6 and 3) and she has just started golfing again.  Something she really enjoyed befor she had kids.  She said that things just now are getting back to the way they were befor kids.  Meaning she is going out with the ladies and doing things that she enjoys that don't involve the kids.   We both love our kids and have lots of fun with them but even moms need some time on their own.  I am feeling envious and can't wait till I feel like I can have my time without the kids more often.
     Another thing I have wondered.  Is it a lack of me time that has caused me to loose my joy or is it a chemical imbalance in my brain, depession maybe?  Or is it the fact that I am not as close to God as I used to be?  Or that I am not out there helping people like I used to?  Or is it simply a choice that I have failed to make?  Honestly I don't really care how or when I lost it but I would like to figure out how to get it back!
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